(jp) wrote: A war story that is not about war. This movie looks at the human aspect of war and how in the devastation of war, humanity can still show love and kindness to all. This post-Stalin era film begins the thawing of communism, and brings to light the humanity of the Russian people.
(gb) wrote: Here's a movie that features witchcraft, demonic possession, demon rape, and David Hasselhoff. Throw in a few roasted people, a magic crystal, and a Sesame Street tape recorder and you've got yourself one unforgettably lame horror movie experience.Many years ago, when we measured time in fortnights, there lived a pregnant witch. People round those parts in them times didn't take to kindly to coven born Satan babies so they chased the expecting witch to her untimely demise at the hands of a 20 foot plummet onto the craggy ground. Dang. That's too bad. After that brief intro we're whisked away to modern day 1988 where David Hasselhoff can still summon super cars with his wrist watch. In this magical future land of wheat and plenty we see ... a pregnant lady who bears a striking resemblance to ye olde witch of yore. She wakes up from a dream in which she was chased, and plummeted to her death. How original. The very same lady goes for a walk and is almost crushed by a steel support beam that happens to fall right in front of her. Coincidence?We then see Leslie and Greg (David Hasselhoff) at the same hotel the witch died in, conducting scientific research for the greater good of all mankind, sort of. Leslie is conducting research. Hasselhoff is trying to conduct sex research by practically throwing his semi-naked form on top of Leslie the virgin at every opportunity.Next we meet the parents of Jane Brooks (the pregnant lady) looking at a picture of the same dilapidated island hotel that Hasselhoff and Leslie "THE VIRGIN" are at. It would seem that they picked the wrong time to buy a broken down, old island hotel. So they call a friends friend to give them a renovation estimate. They all take a hired boat to the island and begin to have a look around.CAST INTRODOCUTION !!!- Greg (David Hasselhoff) - Horny photographer, Zodiac Captain.- Jane (Linda Blair) - Preggo lady, the main character.- Leslie - The virgin, likes books about witches.- Rose - The mean, likes to generally be a condescending bitch.- Freddie - The scrawny, his body has reacted poorly to a lifetime of dealing with Rose's bullshit.- Linda - The harlot, likes to adjust claims when she isn't adjusting other things.- Jerry - The realtor's son, likes to sleep with harlots.- Tommy - The bad ass, likes to play with his Sesame Street tape recorder.It takes the Brooks family about 9 seconds to figure out that they aren't alone on the island. Way to leave out the hotplate douche! Anyway, as soon as they start poking around the place a mysterious woman in black eviscerates the boatman, leaving the only way off of the island (UNLESS YOU COUNT THE OTHER BOAT) adrift. When they attempt to leave they find themselves stranded. Thinking the coast is clear, Hasselhoff comes out of hiding and bumps into the whole gang as they walk back into the hotel. Oops. They trade introductions and soon after they start dying one by one.This is one of those rare movies you will see that actually kills of the shittiest character first. Rose, the mean, finds it hard to speak when the heat is turned up. She died because she was a cold hearted, quick tempered, money grubbing bastard. Otherwise known as avarice. The first of three deadly sins.Next to go is Linda the harlot. For being a whore. Otherwise known as lust, the second of three deadly sins. Followed by Jerry, the realtor's son. He was part of said "lust" so he has to die too I suppose.Oh yeah, then Leslie (THE VIRGIN) is raped by a demon. Bollocks! It's ok though, it was all in her head. Or was it?After that it's a bit quiet. The retards finally get the idea to shoot off a flare to the shore, which can't be more than a mile away. Of course someone sees it and they go to the police who swear up and down that there is no way for them to get to the island to help. What about a damn helicopter ya dumb bastards? Oh wait, never mind, they figured it out. Jeez! Took you long enough. Once the house prevents them from jumping up and down in front of the rescue helicopter; Freddie pops a vein big-time and shoots blood all over Hasselhoff's face, dying in the process. Awesome! Finally enough people have died and they can try to leave the island on Hasselhoff's little zodiac. Oh wait, we forgot Tommy!Then, the ending. Now normally a stupid ending doesn't really bother me. But this one is oppressively bad. So Jane is possessed by a demon, no biggie. Until she starts arbitrarily killing off the rest of the survivors with her supernatural dead witch preggo powers. She takes out Hasselhoff with a candelabra. And, just as she's choking the life out of poor little Tommy, and victory is all but assured, Hasselhoff drags his mostly dead carcass to the hallway, where he yells at Jane! That yell, was apparently enough to scare Tommy into dropping his Sesame Street tape recorder. As if being choked to death by a demon witch wasn't? Anyway, the cheap toy starts playing as soon as it hits the ground. It plays Tommy's OCD "I love you Jane" message over and over until Jane can't take it anymore and throws herself out the window. The end. Almost.Later on we see Leslie (NO LONGER A VIRGIN) at the hospital recovering. Then the nurse casually says that her baby will be all right. My baby?The end, for reals.This movie is pretty stupid, but it does contain a scene showing off the consumption of a roasted baby, so it's not all bad. I say give it a watch if you're a Hasselhoff fan. His antics are pretty funny.Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. The 3rd and final deadly sin is ire. Which is lame because the long dead witch displayed ire at the hotel so the trinity was completed and combined with the unborn child of Jane and the virgin loins of Leslie to create a massive convergence of supernatural energy which ultimately culminated in the destruction of more money than I care to think of.