(jp) wrote: All About Steve is all about shit being topped onto another smelly pile of shit in the Fuckthisnoise Mountains, located in Dicklicks, New Shitskiezzle. Actually, I take that back. This is a film that doesn't know what it's meant to be about. The fact that great actors like Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper, Thomas Haden Church, Ken Jeong, and Keith David (why did you do this? You were in The Thing for fuck's sakes!) would agree to do this pile of garbage just disturbs me. This charming comedy involves a woman stalking a man. How appealing. All About Steve stars Sandra Bullock in her second 2009 movie, playing Mary. There's something about her, and God knows I'd rather watch that movie instead of this one. Now, in 2009, Bullock was also in an actual good movie, The Blind Side. In that movie, Bullock improved that film by being perfectly casted as Leigh Anne Tuohy. However, in this film, she is spectacularly miscast, and drags the movie down around her. What makes this even more perplexing is that she's the producer of All About Steve, which baffles the shit out of me considering she also produced Miss Congeniality (I'm talking about the first one and the first one only) and Two Weeks Notice, two films/roles that played towards her strengths. The film opens with Mary walking to work. She's a crossword puzzle creator at the Sacramento Herald. You can tell from the opening that Mary isn't a correctly functioned person. She wears gearish red boots all the time, she obsesses over anyone solving her puzzles, and she has a startling lack of social skills. Sandra Bullock hasn't even said one word yet, and the credits aren't even finished, and we know something's seriously up with her. Her boss recommends she do something other than work, but she reminds him that she's going out on a blind date tonight, so her boss gives her advice by telling her to be normal, and get this: she writes down a note to be normal. Mary, doing something like that...isn't normal...like, at all. So, anyway, that night, Steve, played by Bradley Cooper, arrives to pick up Mary for their blind date. Since he's handsome and is a bit of a charmer, she sluts up for him appropriately, and I have to admit, Sandra Bullock looks fucking hot in this part. When they go in Steve's van, Mary starts making out with him in, no joke, the first thirty seconds. This woman is just downright creepy. I wouldn't mind Sandra Bullock jumping on me in a van, but I'd probably save the BJ action till...oh, I don't know...after dinner, like anyone else would do. Steve does something logical and fakes a phone call, ditching her the first chance he gets. In her sick, twisted, bull-cockamamie, socially retarded mind, however, Mary thinks this date went well. Mary finishes a crossword puzzle for the newspaper and turns it in. The next morning, the town of Sacramento is baffled by Mary's new crossword, which is titled "All About Steve," to excuse the irony. Mary gets fired from her job but is still optimistic about her, and I quote, "chances" with Steve. Speaking of unprofessionalism, Steve and reporter Hartman Hughes, played by Thomas Haden Church a.k.a. Sandman (that movie is Jesus compared to this), get into trouble with their boss at CCN News Network, played by Childs (Lord knows he'd wish MacReady was there), for a camera shoot where Steve zooms in on some girl's tits. Their next assignment is to report on a hostage situation in Arizona. Minutes later, Mary sees that Steve and Hartman are in Arizona, on TV, and decides to meet Steve and travels by bus. During the ride, Mary speaks some random shit and the bus driver kicks her off due to the other passengers being annoyed, like me and the audience, and Mary being a terribly-written, ditzy fuckwit. I never thought I'd say this but they actually managed to make me want to see Sandra Bullock die slowly and painfully. That's one hell of an accomplishment. When Mary gets a ride from a trucker to Arizona, she discovers that Steve is no longer there. Steve is now in Oklahoma with Hartman, reporting on an ensuing custody battle between two parents whose child was born with a third leg. Mary goes there and promptly terrorizes Steve. This is when Steve notices that Mary is stalking him. Hartman plays a joke on Steve, telling Mary that whenever Steve says he doesn't want her here, that's just his fear talking and he wants her to be with him. Yeah, 'cause that really helps the situation Steve is in, dumbfuck. Steve gets into a fight with Hartman, which results in Mary and Angus, played by Ken Jeong, accidentally having the camera hit Steve's face. His nose bleeds, so Mary goes to get him a tissue, but because of struggling with security guards, they accidentally trip on a wire inserted into Steve's camera, causing him to fall to the ground on his back. Isn't it funny how she could've seriously injured him by being an obsessive-compulsive, idiotic sack of shit that should've been aborted? BTW, I forgot to mention, this movie is meant to be a satire of TV news. Not only is this as cutting as baby teeth, but the satire fails epically because the gags are obvious as fuck. Steve and Hartman's next assignment is to report on a hurricane off the coast of Texas. Steve finally tells Mary to leave him. Oh, wait, before that, Angus asks Mary why she's stalking him. Mary says that she isn't stalking him because something like that borders on obsession, even though that's exactly what she was doing to Steve the whole time. Seriously, what in the holy name of scrote lick is this woman's deal (skinny)? After Steve tells her to leave, she narrates this: "You know what word you never see in crosswords? 'Go'." As in: "go away, fuck off, and die alone". She gets a ride from two hippies to Galveston, where Steve is at. They ride in a Gremlin, one that can't reverse, and they literally drive to the heart of the storm. I think the two hippies are the film equivalent of Jed Groff and Brendan Sullivan. Here's some crackling dialogue: "A little wrinkled old lady..." "That's Mother Theresa. I'm an apple sculptor." "Really? I love apples!" Please let that goddamn hurricane come any sooner. I fucking beg of you. As if someone with a brain heard me, they stop at a tornado and seek refuge in a sewer as the Gremlin gets sucked up into the tornado. The next morning, we move on to our final news story: a group of deaf kids falling into a collapsed mine near the carnival. So, of all the zany news stories you pick for your comedy, you go with the one about the fucking deaf children. Ladies and gentlemen, we just found the textbook definition of tasteless. Guess who they're sending to cover it: Steve and Hartman. Are they the ONLY FUCKING NEWS TEAM on this news network? They've been to four different states in less than THREE DAYS. On their travels, they encounter Mary and the wreckage, and Mary follows them. BIGGEST. COINCIDENCE. OF ALL TIME. Steve is so fearful of Mary that he dons a disguise. Yeah, because it's so funny how he's concerned for his own safety. Hartman writes their next location on a bucket and throws it to Marty. Steve and Hartman bitch at each other. Angus shuts them up and points this out: "Mary is not a psycho! *You're* the psycho! She's just a smart girl with red boots!". Wait, so he's the bad one here?! FOR FUCKING WHAT?! Being afraid that the woman who stalked him across several states might be a sociopath?! Oh, yeah, he's REALLY the psycho here. I'm pulling the "BULLSHIT" alarm. As firemen rescue the deaf kids from the hole in Colorado, Mary and the two hippies travel to the carnival the hole is at. How? By using the Gremlin. How is that car still functioning? It was sucked into a fucking tornado. Mary arrives at the scene and proves to be an even dumber person than J.W. by falling into the hole, not noticing it. Woman, if you're so smart, then how come you didn't notice THE OBVIOUS GIANT FUCKING HOLE IN THE GROUND WITH A CRANE STICKING OUT OF IT?! Whoever wrote this script needs a Darwin Award. The crane is now broken and rescue workers are desperate to try and help her. I'd personally leave her down there to die and rot so I can do this universe a favor. With Mary trapped in the mine, a media frenzy ensues. She lights a torch and finds that the firemen accidentally forgot a child. This, in turn, makes her a hero in the eyes of the media once they are made aware of this. Steve is interviewed. Here's what he says: "She sees things that other people don't, and she knows everything. Everything but who not to trust, how not to get hurt, and how to survive us." TRANSLATION: "Mary's not a stalker. She's a nave woman in a cruel, cruel world. We're the bad ones here!" Might I remind you that hours ago, this guy was afraid she might KILL HIM. This guy is 100% hypocrite. Hope for Mary and the deaf kid have now fallen due to the mine rumored to contain toxic gases, poison water, and noxious odors. Even Mary loses hope. We even get a reason why she wears the red boots. Here it is: it's because they make her toes feel like ten friends on a camping trip. I'm not making this shit up. This lady isn't right in the head and needs SERIOUS MEDICAL HELP. If she was so smart, she'd realize how fucking retarded what she just said was. Thanks to sign language, Mary decides to use the damaged crane, rocks, and a mine cart in a way that will lift her and the deaf kid up to safety. But then Hartman decides to save Mary by jumping into the hole and land in the water. This idiot just made this movie five minutes longer. After some weight adjustments, Mary, Hartman, and the deaf kid make it up to safety. Steve apologizes to Mary (why it's not vice-versa is beyond me). However, at least the filmmakers weren't stupid enough to have them get together at the end. Mary gets a standing ovation. The end. FINAL SCORE: 1/10 An extra 1 because Sandra Bullock looked smoking hot in the van scene. Other than that, this film was fucking atrocious. It's downright obscene. Terrible jokes, a horrible script, just about everything in this film was crap to the max. What's this movie even about? Despite the marketing, it's not a rom-com. It fails horrendously at TV news satire. As a comedy about being yourself, why does the first half mock Mary? Speaking of Mary, she's so fucking irritating it downright hurts. She is too optimistic, creepy, and asks too many questions. It's like mixing Bella Swan with a kid on permanent sugar rush. Don't even get me started on how Bullock is too old for the part. Anyway, happy Thanksgiving, and don't watch this turd.