(us) wrote: Everyone who had a hand in making this movie should be ashamed. This is not hyperbole. This is fact. This movie is an abomination.I could not finish it in one sitting. It's that bad. I don't know where you can start with this.The movie opens with Ben Affleck breaking fourth wall. He is monologuing about his life while staring directly into the camera. He is shaking down a business owner. Note: Ben Affleck is the most unbelievable mobster to have ever mobbed. He tries to have some kind of mob accent and have his bouffant hair but it just looks stupid. It would have been more believable if he went MORE over the top.His boss is the second most unbelievable mobster to ever mobbed. There is some sort of plot where the big boss man (Al Pacino...? Yeah, Al Pacino) is being indicted on federal charges, so Ben Affleck has to kidnap the prosecutor's retarded brother. That is the plot. Ben Affleck, whom his boss has ZERO confidence in and says as much before ASSIGNING Affleck this task, has to kidnap a mentally handicapped person. No, I can't even say that, that would be rude to people with actual mental handicaps. This was a retarded person.So Ben kidnaps retarded prosecutor's brother (Justin Bartha aka the guy from the Hangover who gets left on the roof for pretty much the whole movie) and hilarity fails to ensue. Ben Affleck is just mean to this kid. But then, Bartha does shit that would make me want to punch him in the face. Okay, he just randomly yells stuff. Okay, there are people who have tourettes and ticks. But then Bartha would say stupid shit like, "girls make my penis sneeze." That was a line in the movie. What am I watching?! This was horribly offensive.So Affleck kidnapped Bartha and they are just chilling in his apartment. Suddenly, this turns into some kind of babysitting movie. Then enters Lopez. She is apparently some kind of hired assassin hired by Affleck's boss to make sure Affleck doesn't fuck up the kidnapping. I'm sorry, if you didn't trust this guy, why wouldn't you just have Lopez kidnap the kid. Also, it's never explained what they had hoped to accomplish with kidnapping this retarded kid. Drop the case presumably? But the retarded brother lived in an adult home. His brother obviously didn't give that much of a shit about him. Also, Affleck has him for DAYS and nothing has happened so it was pretty much time to call this plan dead.BUT NO.So Lopez is a verbose assassin. She just pontificates about her sexuality. You see, she's a lesbian. And she must tell Affleck, how much of a lesbian she is. Because that's what lesbians ALWAYS do. Oh vagina this, and scissoring that. Lez Lez Lez. Damn lesbians, cut it out with your hot make out parties and sexy pillow fights. Your lesbian pollen knows no bounds!FUCK.So at this point, Christopher Walken waltzes into Affleck's room, apparently he's a prosecutor too. Affleck voluntarily lets him in. Walken walks around, alludes to the fact that he knows the Bartha is in the room, then has a stroke mid conversation, talks about Marie Callendar pies and how if you put that pie on your head, you'd eat your nose trying to get to it. SOUND TASTY? HUH?! This is legitimately what happened. Then he left. He didn't show up the rest of the movie.So Affleck has to keep Bartha occupied for fucking infinity while this plan unfolds. Bartha just wants to see Baywatch, because you know, he only understands boobs or something. Affleck lies to this kid like umpteenth times about taking him to see Baywatch just so Affleck could do random errands. This was like 40 minutes of the movie. Just dragging this kid around.Then there's one point where Affleck's boss tells Affleck to cut Bartha's thumbs off and send them to the prosecutor. You know, reasonable plan. Affleck's heart suddenly grows three sizes and says he can't do it. And Lopez, that lezbo assassin with the heart of coal, also doesn't want to do it. So they....don't do it. For a long time. No consequences. This kind of just keeps going on.During one of these no point scenes, which was pretty much everyone of them, Lopez starts pontificating about how amazing it is when a chick eats her out. Yup. And Affleck stares at her like she was a rack of ribs and he hadn't eaten since Chasing Amy. She ends her lezbo rant with saying how she would never let a dude eat her out. Then says she's gonna let Affleck eat her out. She punctuates sexy time with spreading her legs and saying, "It's Turkey Time. Gobble Gobble"That is where I turned off the movie.So a couple of months later, I watched the rest. It's more of the same. It's two awful people being awful to an awful actor trying to portray someone with a real handicap and somehow, they are trying to garner sympathy as people put in a precarious position.They just fuck around some more until AL PACINO shows up. AL Pacino meets with Affleck's boss, Affleck, and Lopez. Al Pacino looks disheveled but that's just his normal garb. Basically he goes on a rant about how stupid it was to kidnap the prosecutor's retarded brother and how they are idiots. He kills Affleck's boss in a move everyone wanted to happen 10 seconds into the film. Al Pacino was the real hero in the film.Then Pacino lets them go to...I guess return Bartha? I'm not quite sure. So now it's this sad time, because these two awful characters had grown such a meaningful fucking relationship with their kidnapee. Finally, Affleck takes Bartha to see Baywatch. They are filming on the beach, Affleck drops him off and then GIVES HIS CAR TO LOPEZ. Not like, hey you can borrow it, but YOU CAN HAVE IT, I KNOW YOU MUST LEAVE ME NOW AND I'M OKAY. So Lopez, being the bitch she is, actually takes the car and leaves. Bartha dances .... like a retard with big breasted women. When you see it, you'd agree it was retarded. There is Affleck, looking like a fucking tool, being smug and probably thinking, "I'm an amazing guy."Then Lopez comes back. She was supposed to drive into the sunset, because her...identity was compromised...or it just wouldn't work out because she's a lez and he's an unattractive lez or something. Who knows anymore. So she comes back around. Affleck, with a straight face, asks if he can get a ride. Yo, dumbass, THAT'S YOUR CAR.She is bitchy about it and then lets him in and they drive into the sunset together. Actual ending of this movie. I omitted a part where Affleck cries at one point because he really wanted to bang Lopez but he couldn't because she wouldn't let him. So we are supposed to root for the guy that cried because he wanted to fuck Lopez and she said no. What a hero.This movie fucking sucked. It is inexplicably bad. These are people who should know something about movies. This is worse than any other bad movie. At least Troll 2, it is funny and maybe you can blame some aspects of the film on language difficulty. At least a movie as bad as Troll 2 doesn't have someone offensively portraying a kid with a mental handicap.No one should let Affleck live this down. I hope the Joker in the new Batman movie tells Affleck, "it's turkey time, gobble gobble" and then just shoots him dead.
(us) wrote: Perhaps the least original of all Almodovar's movies, though it's still and interesting portrait of sassy pop culture, as a young man who was unfairly sent to jail for a crime he did not mean to commit, plots an original revenge on the woman who in his mind caused the incident. Not the best, but still a stylish thriller that is of some interest and great aesthetic value.